telling my story (the rumi project, 2007)
Something weird happened to me when I decided to practice herbal medicine and bodywork full time. I started to gloss over certain parts of myself, leaving behind pieces of who I am that didn’t fit neatly with the image I thought I needed to project.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever felt like you needed to be a certain version of yourself for a job, or in a relationship?
I thought you needed me to be one-dimensional. I thought you’d only trust my writing and my knowledge if I was uncomplicated, if the only thing I ever wrote or talked about was herbs and healing, if I smoothed out all of my edges and complexities and contradictions. I thought I needed to stay “on topic.”
The truth is, in the last few weeks I’ve had a harder and harder time writing to you. It’s because there’s so much more I want to talk to you about than just the herbs. It’s because I want more for this space than for it to become a place where you read pithy tips and advice. (The world has enough of that, don’t you think?) I want this to be a fertile ground where you can feel restored, where you feel sheltered from some of the challenges of the day-to-day, and where you start to hear the call of your imagination & intuitive self. I want this to be a place where you learn things that are truly new to you—not just about herbs, but also about yourself. I want this to be a place where you can be All of Who you Are.
I can’t create that kind of space for you if I’m not willing to show up as my whole self. If I’m hiding, you’ll feel it. If I’m smoothing out my own rough edges and contradictions, how can I possibly convince you to embrace all of the parts of you–no matter how strange they may be? If some of my deepest convictions aren’t showing up in my writing, how can I stay inspired and give you my best?
Today, I’m taking the first step to being whole in this space. Over the next few months you’ll be seeing psyche & soma evolve along with me as I deepen this practice of being whole, of creating from my heart, of pushing myself to take the risk of being my whole self.
What step can you take today to stop hiding and be more fully yourself?
I’m not hiding anymore.
Remember, hiding is different from sacred silence. There are parts of my story that are just for me. Some of their power would be lost if I shared them in public, and some of them involve other humans who haven’t chosen to share any part of themselves with our community. Sacred silence is an act of respect and love. Hiding is an act of fear, shame, or self-denial.
For my part, I’ve been afraid that showing up as my whole self would make you trust me less, like me less, or be less likely to respect my knowledge. So I hid. I hid my convictions about the power of theater and self expression to heal communities. I hid my veganism and the long journey it took to arrive here. I hid my dramatic side, the part of me that loves to sing and tell stories and quote Shakespeare.
It’s scary to start talking about these things. There’s part of me that’s afraid that if I talk about theater, you won’t understand how it is that creative expression is part of healing, or that you won’t know what I mean when I talk about the way that having the permission to be wild, to be beautiful, to be murderous, to be seductive, to be enraged—or just to be someone else, changed me. I’m afraid you won’t see the connection to your own life if you’re not an actor, or a theater-lover. There’s a part of me that worries that if I speak openly about my enthusiasm for vegan living, you’ll feel judged or criticized if your lifestyle is different from mine. I’m afraid that my peers in the herbal community will dismiss me for being vegan, and that my clients and readers will unfairly dismiss my advice as biased. It all boils down to one fear—that if I show you who I really am, bad things will happen.
As present as those fears are, I know that they’re not the truth. The truth is that my passion for theater and my theater work is part of what makes me such a good practitioner. Theater taught me how to listen, how to speak in metaphorical language, how to empathize, and how to take risks. My long journey to veganism taught me how hard it is to change our eating habits, the pain that comes from looking at the consequences of our actions, and the joy & freedom that comes from doing what feels so deeply right.
Over the coming weeks and months, I’m going to be sharing much more about these topics with you. I’ll still be writing about herbs (I love them, too!) and about healing foods, self-care, connection with the Earth and with one-another, and about women’s health. I wanted you to be the first to know. :-)
Tell me, have you ever experienced something like this in your own life? Is there somewhere that you’re hiding part of yourself? What’s one step you can take today to bring all of the parts of yourself to life?
