I feel like I went through the ringer last week. My electricity was out for four days, and it seemed like everywhere I went there were more grouchy people (like me) who were suffering without power. Losing my creature comforts made me aware of just how vulnerable I am, how much I really need the support of other people—including the people at Pepco!
learning to get our needs met is a journey.
It’s gotten me thinking about one of the simplest, yet most profound practices that’s the foundation of your health & happiness. This single practice simply HAS to be in place if you want to have a healthy body, good relationships, and self-love. All of the information in the whole world won’t make a bit of difference to your health if you can’t do this one simple thing. Without it, you’ll never be able to take consistent action on behalf of your health and well-being. Are you ready to hear it?
Ask for what you need.
If you’re having a knee-jerk reaction that’s telling you something like, “Hmph…I know that already,” stop. Just stop for a second. I challenge you to take a moment and think about it.
How many times today have you taken yourself off “auto-pilot” and actually tuned in to your body to find out what you need?
And how many times after tuning in to yourself have you taken concrete steps to get those needs met?
One time? Three times? Not even once?
It’s all-too-common for modern people to deny our physical & emotional needs to the point that we no longer even realize that we have them. We can identify so strongly with the Mind that we unconsciously feel that the body is just one big inconvenient problem getting in the way of our churning thoughts and endless work.
Asking for what you need seems like such simple advice, but it has three distinct steps:
1.) Tuning in to yourself to discover what you need in this moment.
2.) Knowing that your needs are valid and that you deserve to have them met.
3.) Communicating with the outer world about your needs & taking the necessary steps to get them met.
Let’s explore an example in order to see this process more clearly. Imagine that it’s about 1:30pm on a Tuesday. You’re grumpy. Your phone rings as you’re trying to answer emails. You’re vaguely aware that your head hurts and your stomach feels a little agitated. You have so much work to do today and you’re barely through with answering email even though it’s already well into the afternoon.
What would you do in this scenario? If you’re like most of us, you’d probably hunker down at your desk, typing feverishly as you blast through the emails, and then get straight on to the next item on your to-do list. You might glance at the clock and realize that it’s time for lunch, and start eating at your desk as you keep working. By the end of the day, you’re pretty much caught up, but you’re completely exhausted and short-tempered.
What would happen if you asked for what you needed, instead?
Maybe you’d tune into that grumpy feeling and realize that you were still upset about a fight you had with your partner last night. Maybe you’d feel that nervousness in your stomach and realize that the coffee you had instead of breakfast was making you feel a little nauseous. Maybe you’d take a few breaths and discover that you were hungry. Or that you were also feeling kind of hot and were starting to run a fever. Or maybe you’d let yourself feel how much you don’t like your job, and that whenever you come to work, you start to feel a little sick. (It sounds far-out, but this happens!)
Just going this far is hard enough. You might have even felt some resistance just to reading about this part of the process. We resist tuning in to our needs because it seems less painful to simply deny that we have them—especially if we believe that we cannot get our needs met, or if we believe that we don’t deserve to have what we need.
How many times have you thought that you couldn’t have something that you needed? Those beautiful organic strawberries that called to you at the grocery store….”too expensive.” The hour-long nap, “lazy and selfish,” or the neck rub that would ease your stress, “too much to ask” from a friend or partner. Of course it’s true that none of us have unlimited resources. Limitation is part of the human experience. You probably have very real constraints around time, money, and relationships. But if you recognize that you need healthy food, plenty of sleep, time to rest and re-create, loving touch, and mutually supportive relationships, then doesn’t it make sense to use the resources you have in order to get those needs met?
It takes courage to ask for more of what you need. It goes against the prevailing attitudes and practices in dominant Western(ized) culture. And if you begin to do it, life will start to get a whole lot better. Don’t take my word for it—give it a try and see what happens.
Take action now.
Stop what you’re doing for one moment. Don’t do ANYTHING else until you complete this little exercise. (Don’t even try to tell me that you’re too busy. You’re reading this blog! You have time to do this.)
1.) Close your eyes and take three slow, deep, breaths.
2.) Notice how your body feels.
3.) Ask yourself what one action you could take in this moment to feel a little better or more comfortable. It might be that you need to drink some water, that you want to step outside for a sunshine break, that your hamstrings & back are tight and want to stretch, or that you want to call up someone who you argued with to apologize so that the fight doesn’t have to keep weighing on you. It can be anything. Go with your first impression.
4.) Now, DO THAT THING. Whatever the action was that came up when you checked in with yourself, do it NOW. Don’t put it off or wait for the “right time.” Doing that action right now will begin to increase your trust in yourself. You’ll feel better immediately and you’ll be sending a powerful message to yourself that it’s ok to take action to meet your own needs.
5.) Leave me a comment telling me what you discovered. Writing about your experience helps to solidify your learning, and you’ll inspire more people to join you in taking action. (Plus, I’d really love to hear from you!)
