A very wise mentor of mine once said, “What unites us as human beings is not the triumph and the joy, or the achievement that we feel. What unites us is the experience of suffering, and loss, the sadness, the depression, maybe even the shame.” While not all human beings have the experience of triumph and joy, we all know what it feels like to suffer or to be hurt. In that knowledge we can connect and support one another. There can be a real tender sweetness inside these “negative” experiences we have as human beings in this planes if we use them as opportunities to turn towards one another and treat our own story and the stories of others with a great deal of love, respect, and connection.
Today, we’re going to explore how to do just that.
Warm-Up Exercise:
We are going to start with a little bit of breathing. We are going to test out two different phrases and see if we can notice how each feels different in the body. Then we will take a couple of breaths and will move on to something that feels a little bit better so we don’t get stuck.
Guilt:
Let’s start by exploring the feeling of guilt. Guilt is a feeling that comes up when we have done something that doesn’t align with our values, our belief systems, our hopes, and our aspirations as a person. We might feel guilty if we tell a lie. Or, if we fail to complete a project by the deadline because we were procrastinating. We might feel guilty if someone asked us for something we could have given but we said no because it wasn’t convenient. Or, for not making a donation we could afford to make. We might feel guilty for any of these reasons.
In all of those cases the underlying feeling is ‘ugh- I did something wrong (or bad)’. Try finding an example in your life when this was true. Or, just take that phrase “I did something wrong” (I did something that doesn’t really align with my values.) How do you feel in your body? Take a couple of breaths and let the feeling go.
Shame:
Shame is a little bit different because instead of being about your actions or what you do- shame is about who you are, who you think you are. So, when someone feels shame it’s not connected to something in particular that they have done that does not align with their deeper self (or who they want to be). The feeling of shame is a feeling of ‘I am bad; I am a bad person’. So, when you didn’t make that donation instead of feeling guilty you would feel “ugh-I am just no good”.
Very lightly take a couple of breaths and see what does it feel like, what happens to your body if you think and feel “I am bad- I am unworthy of love”. When people are in this state for prolonged periods of time it dampens the immune system and makes us more vulnerable to illness (both mental and physical). It also creates a lot of isolation. Take notice how this saying (and thought) feels like in your own body. When you are ready take a couple of deep breaths.
Victory Poses:
Now, let’s have a bit of a palate cleanser to clear those painful feelings from our systems. If you can and you are in a place where you can do this safely stand up and open your arms wide and stretch them overhead (of course you can do this seated as well… just not if you are driving!). Open your chest and yawn. Really open your chest; or if you are seated lean back behind you cradling your head in your hands, putting your feet up on your desk. Really opening up the body into a position that is a little more consistent with feeling empowered, and feeling good about yourself. Take a couple of deep breaths in this position.
You may have noticed that when you were feeling shame or guilt there is a tendency for the body to round or collapse on itself- and in this position (in these victory poses) the body is open, large, and expansive. This is something that is proven to dramatically change the hormones circulating in the body as well as change the way that we feel.
Just a few minutes in these positions- use this as a technique to move from that feeling of shame that we were trying on. Stay here in this position for as long as you want.
First step to dealing with shame and guilt:
While you are holding your victory position and feeling better than you were feeling I want you to remember the snapshots of the sensations that came up for you when you were experiencing this little bit of stimulated shame (or guilt) and see if you can catch yourself when you are feeling this in your life so you are not walking around in these states without any awareness. Rather we are starting to notice what is happening so we can reach out for some support and move into a better way of working on what is going on.
Groundwork on shame and the power of being vulnerable:
So much of the conversation happening around shame has come from Brene Brown’s work. Oh were we ready for Brene in the late 2000s when her TED talk about the power of vulnerability went viral! If you have not watched any of Brene Brown’s TED talks and are not familiar with her books and her work I highly recommend them. Lots of people in the Psyche & Soma community are big fans (myself included).
Healing power of Storytelling:
I want to refer you to Brene’s body of work to lay the groundwork for understanding shame. I want to spend time today not so much repeating or covering the same ground that Brenee has covered, but expanding on one little part of her teaching that I think is important and is a big part of my practice with my clients and students.
Let’s expand upon the phrase that she teaches about how to release shame. She says that the way to heal from shame is “to tell your story to someone who has earned the right to hear it.” Shame really thrives in an environment of secrecy and isolation; it cannot grow in in the bounds of a loving relationship where someone else really sees us and hears us, validating our experience and affirming our goodness and humanity.
Telling our stories versus cocktail party talk:
So, what does it mean to tell your story? And how can you tell who has earned the right to hear it?
I studied for a career essentially as a professional storyteller. My degree is in acting and stories of all kinds have always been compelling to me. Yet, this idea of telling my story has still been a hard one for me to practice in my own life.
Have you ever been to a networking meeting or a cocktail party (especially true here in Washington DC) and been asked “Oh- what do you do?” again and again? People always seem to respond to that question by answering with a description of what they do for work, for income. I feel in a way that this is a dehumanizing question. So, I started experimenting.
For a while I practiced asking people “What’s your story?” instead of “What do you do?” and at least here in DC the vast majority of people were very confused.
When it comes to this work of undoing and healing from shame the part of the story that we want to hear is the part of the story that is not being told. The part of the story that is below the surface and makes you feel like an impostor or that you are not good enough.
The best way I know how do this is to lead by example.
If I think of myself at a cocktail party and someone asks me what I do- the polished surfaced answer that I give (that would not do anything to heal my shame and self-doubt) would be; “I am a clinical herbalist and I have a private practice here in DC but I work with clients from all over the world via Skype and phone, and I focus on helping people overcome challenges around mental health and build their emotional resilience.” When I say that answer a lot of times people are very impressed. They may say “You practice herbal medicine! That’s so cool, and you work with clients from all around the world. You have your own business. And you have a podcast!” All of these things; the surface story is very cool (and all those things are true, and yes, they’re wonderful!) I love this work, and I love you guys, I love my clients. I have been really humbled by the power of herbal medicine and coaching to bring about huge change in people’s lives.
But, there’s more to the story- underneath that confidence there’s the part of my story that says: “herbalists are not licensed in the United States, so I have all this training and I know I am doing this great work- but I don’t have that piece of paper that a medical doctor or nurse has, or even my massage therapy license that gives me a stamp of approval.” And “what if someone thinks I am a fraud or an impostor? What if someone thinks I am just this ‘airy fairy’ type of person irresponsibly giving out fake medicine, that at best is a placebo and at worse is actually harmful and preventing people from getting the real medicine they need from actual doctors?” That kind of judgement is a fear that looms large in my heart.
Then sometimes the shame will also say things, calling up some old demons like my body image stuff or around beauty and those sorts of things and will say “Ugh- who do you think you are to teach health to other people when you need to lose ten pounds?” I will go to great lengths to hide that fear. The shame will also say “You’re only doing this because you didn’t have the courage to make it as an actress.” Also, just like any other practice I go through waves; sometimes I have lots of clients and have a waiting list and feel very in demand and affirmed, and other times my client roster will be low and I will have some open spaces and I will feel nervous about my income or think “oh my gosh- all of a sudden something is wrong and no one wants to work with me.”
Putting storytelling into action:
Those kinds of insecurities I definitely would not be sharing at that cocktail party. When I tell those hidden parts of the story there’s this huge relief that comes from mot having to carry that stuff around anymore. I have been trying to practice being vulnerable and sharing these pieces with the people in my real life; my friends and my close colleagues. It hasn’t always been easy but the rewards are so great.
Storytelling and deeper layers of shame:
There are a lot of places where shame goes even deeper, it might be true for you. This comes up for people who have experienced any type of abuse or bullying. This comes up for a lot of us around our appearance, body image, and these crazy beauty standards that we hold ourselves to. It can come up around some of the most intimate areas of our lives; our sexual expression, our religious and cultural beliefs. The practices that have been handed down to us to us may have a lot of shame attached to it; especially here in the United Stated with people who have come from immigrant backgrounds who a lot of time have shame instilled to some of the practices that are not part of the mainstream culture. That can be part of the pressure to assimilate. This shame can go very deep.
Certainly shame plays a major role in “policing” and oppressing or pushing down groups that have historically been oppressed and continue to be disempowered; like non heteronormative sexuality, around race, around class. Shame around our money stories, and about our status in society- all of these things.
Telling these stories can sometimes be very difficult because it may not have a narrative element; if you have always felt a certain way about who you are it can be hard to say “here is where it started,” or “here is the beginning, middle, and end to that story.” If that is the case for you; if you feel this sense of shame I think part of the place to begin working with the story is just to simply start writing memories or moments that appear to you. It doesn’t have to make sense in a linear way.
Who can give you the gift of deep, open-hearted listening in connection with your story? Can you give this gift to yourself, too?
